proudAPmom

when she would ask us. She being one of our foster kids, she being one of the most difficult kids that we had.

My husband and I used to work in foster care…not the typical kind of foster care, either. Most people think of foster care as a couple who takes in a few kids into their own home and treat them as their own.

My husband and myself did a more theraputic form of foster care - these kids were not elligable for ‘regular’ foster care. They had been too violent, too difficult, had done a lot of jail time, were sex-offenders, and just couldn’t function in a regular home with regular rules. 

We lived in a company home, and the kids went to therapists at least once a week within the program and sometimes with other therapists and doctors at other offices (court ordered, etc). Instead of us making decisions about what the kids did (like school dances, sports, and class choices) we had to work with a team of therapists, case workers, probation officers, and sometimes parents. Although most of these kids had very limited interaction with their real parents. 

This particular young lady had a extremely tough life and continues to do so.

Here is a bit of her history:

Age 0-2 - Ms. S was sexually abused by her Grandfather, Mother, Father and Uncle. Her cries are answered by punches, hits, and ignoring her. She is allowed to go without food and clean diapers. She probably didn’t have much love or kindness at this age at all. No one really knows the extent to which she was abused, and none of the people who were responisible were ever punished.

2-7 Ms. S is adopted, her name changed for her safety and she lives with this family for some years before she becomes too much to handle. She is out of control and difficult. Of course, her neurons are so screwed up from the first two years of her life that she doesn’t understand real love.

When she is 15 years old we get her in our company home. She had been bounced around quite a bit since her adoption (they had ‘returned’ her) and she spent some of that time in youth detention and staff secure programs. She seemed pretty mellow when we got her, but we found that she had a list of medications to subdue her a bit. 

Our program worked to get her off some of the medications, she was on medications for ADHD, ODD, OCD, PTSD, and birthcontrol. Many of these girls are put on birth control even when they are not allowed around boys - they sneak and it can happen quickly. 

Pretty soon behaviors started to show - agression, passive aggression, very drifty, and always thinking about boys. She was in special ed courses at school, although she wasn’t super in need, just not motivated and very ADHD. 

We worked there for 2 years, at the end of the first year, she had been given a trip because the team had felt she had earned it. My husband and I didn’t feel that she should go - we after all lived with her and saw things that the team didn’t. She came back from the trip and didn’t seem herself. We found out later that night what had happened. There were a large group of kids who went, but there wasn’t much supervision. The boys got out of their rooms, went out and purchased vodka with a fake id, came back to one of the rooms and got Ms S and I believe one other girl to come to their room. They drank and pretty soon the other girl was feeling uncomfortable about the situation, so she went back to her room, leaving Ms S alone with three boys. It was reveled later that they got her to do many sexual things for them that night. She was crying as she told us what they made her do, but since it was consentual, there was nothing more to do. 

There was extra session scheduled for her with therapists. Months later, she ran away from school on a Friday. On Sunday night, we finally got word about where she was - at the hospital. She had teken drugs, cocaine, pot, and someones medications, she had been smoking, drinking and having sex with three different guys througout the weekend. She almost over dosed on all the drugs that these people gave her. When we got to the hopsital to see her, she was on a iv to try to flush the stuff from her system and had to spend a night there to get cleaned up. They also had to run tests on her for std’s. All sex that she had was unprotected. 

Again, more counceling, more talk therapy, a higher dose of her current medications. 

Things just never changed - she did this one more time before we left the program. After we left, a new couple came in, and they were abusive and one of the other girls in the home (there were 4 total) slept with the foster father. He was a sick man and his wife was just as bad because she got mad at the girl and not her husband. They ended up skipping town to avoid prosecution. 

Ms S ended up running again and eventually moved in with a teacher with whom she bonded with while in HS. There were rules set up and she started getting SSI. Her money was held for her in a savings account that requires two signatures to get the money. 

About a year ago I got a message from her. She was really excited to let me know that she was engaged to a man who was getting ready to deploy to the middle east (Army). She said that she was doing really good and wanted to get together. I went to visit her and we spent a day together shopping, going out to eat and talking. She seemed to be doing well, and I was happy to see that she had turned her life around. 

A few months later, she had given someone her engagement ring, cause she had run away and needed more drugs. She was taking nude pictures of herself and posting them to a webpage, and found some guy on there who wanted her to move in with him. She lost her fiancee and now is living with a guy, his father (a convicted sex-offender), and his two children when on visitation. One of the children has down syndrome. They party, the drink, smoke, and don’t work. She has told me that the father comes into her room and requests sexual favors -she has told me that she refuses and that she wants to move somewhere else, but yet she won’t do anything about it. She had a section 8 house that she could have had, but there would be rules (she would have been living in an apartment building for elderly and disabled). My husband and I don’t think that she is strong enough to refuse sex to anyone who asks or tells her to do something. She is in a bad situation, but with that being said we don’t want her to live here either. 

Today, she asked…she wants to come stay with us. I felt so bad, because I have to tell her no. We are barely making it on our own - with her it is another mouth to feed, someone who won’t work, someone who steals, and smokes, and won’t clean and won’t follow rules. She was diagnosed as bi-polar last year - something that I had pushed for when she was living with us - I knew that she was but when I brought it up to the team they shot me down. Now, she is off her meds and she can be so nutty. 

So, tonight I have to let her know…I really do feel bad. I was talking with her earlier when she asked about coming to stay with us. I told her that I wasn’t so sure about that…maybe she should check into some shelters…well she just disconnected. I think that she was upset that I wouldn’t just say ’sure, I’ll come get you’. I can’t take in a kid that is 21 years old with that many issues while I have a toddler. 

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